sayrenee (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} sayrenee) wrote,@ 2008-03-29 11:09:00 |
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| Current music: | ani difranco - grey |
What can I say but "I'm wired this way."
Purchase is getting the best of me right now. I'm trying so hard to love this place, but its really difficult. I'm trying even harder to hate myself less. I just can't seem to get into the human race. Everyone gets on my nerves, or I feel like a total wallflower. I'm sorry, I don't have enough stamina to keep trying to make friends. I don't have it in me to stay alive and functioning properly AND break these fucking social barriers. Everyone here seems to be having such a good time, there's always parties in the Olde and some of these girls have more style than anyone I've ever met before. And I always figured, yeah this is it, one day I'll fit in here- this is my school, finally. God, I was wrong. I don't fit in anywhere and I'm so fucking sick of it. I don't even know what I'm writing this for, broadcasting my private thoughts in an anything-but-private online journal. It made sense for awhile, but now I don't give a damn about the internet or keeping up appearances or any of that bullshit. Go ahead, read this- judge me, please.
I feel physically sick when I think of where I'm at in life right now. I've been trying to stay far away from Facebook because its only the biggest fucking reminder that everyone I used to know is doing well, or at the very least, much better than myself. I've also been trying to pretend like hell that things would get better, that it was only a matter of time. Seriously, who am I kidding? Apparently I'm still that insecure, socially dysfunctional 15 year old that I was in high school. I have no reason, NO REASON to be so miserable, so fucked up, so absolutely out of it. Honestly, its gorgeous, like really fucking gorgeous outside and I cannot enjoy it for the life of me. There's awesome people here and it doesn't matter. I have nice clothes, a face that won't get spit at and I don't really NEED for anything. Except my family, they're the only ones I can depend on. And yet, I feel awful because they're SO incredibly good to me and all I can give them is this pathetic excuse for a daughter/sister. They deserve a person so much better than me and I can't seem to give them anything more, no matter how hard I try.
You know, my mom and I went to visit her side of the family for a few days over my spring break. And the craziest thing is that we didn't fight the entire time we were there. Not once. I was happy. Or at least, I tried to be. But I'm trying and trying and it just still doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm a ridiculous romantic with an unrealistic view of what "normal" or "standard" emotions are, but I kind of feel like I haven't experienced what real happiness is. As jaded and bitter as I've become, I still have this little kind of hope that things will get better. I always do. But I'm getting tired of being hopeful and seeing potential, only for nothing to happen- I just want to have some sort of happiness to get me through. I want to be happy or even content, simply for the sake of my poor mother's sanity. That woman has helped me through EVERYTHING and all I want is for her to not have to worry about me. No one knows how fucking frustrating it is to have everything I need, quite a bit of what I want and I can't even enjoy any of it. No one gets it because I don't even get it.
My name is Renee and I'll be 22 years old on Monday March 31st.
And I can't be happy, no matter how hard I try.
My advice to you?
Stay far away from me and you'll be fine.
You know, I care less and less what people think.
[Ani Difranco]
